my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
