I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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