You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
