So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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