Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
