I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
