the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
