Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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