LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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