Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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