i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did I show you my penis last night?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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