Your face is a jimmy john
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
