Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
