You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
