A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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