What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
