happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
