i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
