I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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