thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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