I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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