just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
