Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
