so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
