i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
