your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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