I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh god it's open bar.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
