Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
