is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
