I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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