my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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