I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
