broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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