Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
