Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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