I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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