She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
