woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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