did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
nutella sex= disaster
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
