the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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