I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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