I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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