____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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