what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
