Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
