So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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