My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
