its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
