I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
