youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
