your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
