I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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