Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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