So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
