i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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