somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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