dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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