i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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