I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When did angry sex become our thing?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
