I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
