I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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