Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize